Still a "serial monogamist", though I have been in longer relationships, and my latest girlfriend broke things off with me after something short of a year. Progress, I suppose. Mostly feels like I was dumped, and makes me wonder if my modus operandi of leaving a few months into things wouldn't have saved me some grief. Maybe it would have. But then I wouldn't have had the experience... isn't that what they say? It has always seemed to be something of a cop-out. If you are in a crap spot in life, you can imagine it's just so you can get to a better spot and remember how those crap times built character... but if you're in a good spot already, then it was all worth it, and all the pain was necessary. It's as if we need to feed ourselves empty platitudes in order to continue with our lives and forgive ourselves for our own shortcomings and poor decisions.
Anyone who says, "Even if I could, I wouldn't change a thing." is insane. If you could go back and you did not have the memories you have now, of course you wouldn't change anything, because you'd be just as ignorant and unaware as you were the first time around. But if you retain your current memories of experiences you've already had, you would go back and do it all the exact same way again? Lunacy, even if you had it good. And I had enough moments of shame, idiocy, and crippling pain for a lifetime already.
Who read that and didn't think, "we all have those moments", or "me, too", or "you're preaching to the choir"? So, why go back and do it all the same way? I have some great friends, sure. But I've also lost track of people I cared about, and I've blown opportunities that could have changed my life drastically. Sure, those other friendships and other avenues might have led to great pain as well, and might even have meant an early death by fire or gunshot or who-knows-what. Still seems worth the risk, compared to walking around stuck in a loop of your own life, repeating every decision and every mistake.
Anyway. So, what happened during these past few years? I finished an M.Ed, taught briefly in Florida, moved to Connecticut, went to Burning Man, moved to California, moved in with a woman and rescued a pit bull, then left when she broke things off... she kept the pit bull, as I don't have two nickels to rub together and can't realistically care for it. Love that dog. I'm glad she has a good home. I also took ibogaine at a treatment center in Mexico. That was a real eye-opener, and I can't do it justice in a few words, so I won't try to. Maybe later.
Now I'm in a crap rooming house in Huntington Beach. Well, it could be worse. But the guy who lived in this room before me left me a carpet that carries a slight odor, mildew maybe, and so far I can't get the smell out after trying baking soda and other remedies. So who wants that? And I hate living by myself, which is certainly what I am doing here. It's like an apartment building inside, it just happens to be a house with a shared kitchen area. Everyone locks their doors and pays no mind to everyone else. There is no living area; it was converted to a bedroom, like every other room in the house outside the kitchen and the one bathroom. I've had one conversation with one tenant for about ten minutes, and I've introduced myself to two others, but that's it. There are two more I've never met after the better part of a month. There seems to be an unwritten rule not to enter the kitchen when someone else is in it. It's a strange, empty way to live.
I'm trying to find work. I have been away from the job market. Mentally, for while. Depressed. Then I had serious problems with my groin. Infections, pain, sleeplessness. Eventually had to have an operation, and I am nearly the end of the recovery phase. Pain has now decreased considerably, as expected. But it's been over a year since the ordeal began. Could be worse.
Sort of found God. Not the Abrahamic god, and not a god I can easily explain. Nothing that defies current scientific understanding. A god intimately connected to me and to all things by virtue of existence. I am God, that is, and so are you. And so is a tree, and a rock. But we are part of a God-consciousness, whereby the universe knows itself. Something like that. Sounds like a throwback hippie definition, maybe. But it comes of an ineffable mystical experience, so there's no good way to put it into words.
Speaking of which, that's enough words for the time being. I hope you're doing well out there, and being good to yourselves. Back later. Maybe not even years later. We'll see.
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